The Jasmine Plant

"But we have this treasure in clay pots so that the awesome power belongs to God and doesn’t come from us.  We are experiencing all kinds of trouble, but we aren’t crushed. We are confused, but we aren’t depressed. We are harassed, but we aren’t abandoned. We are knocked down, but we aren’t knocked out.  

We always carry Jesus’ death around in our bodies so that Jesus’ life can also be seen in our bodies.  We who are alive are always being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake so that Jesus’ life can also be seen in our bodies that are dying.  So death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

 2 Corinthians 4:7–12  Common English Bible.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about these verses as they apply to my pregnancy and growth.  I have this treasure growing inside my fragile and organic body, and so much is happening by the beautiful design of our creator, and out of my hands. Some power is in my hands.  The power to respond positively to stress and confusion with rest and curiosity.  The power to say no when I have done too much, and the opportunity to say yes as an answer to my intuition.

The part that gets me is the verse that says, “We always carry Jesus’ death around in our bodies, so that Jesus’ life can also be seen in our bodies.” As the life of our new child is starting to be “revealed in my body”, pains of loss continue to meet me at the same time I feel stirrings of joy.  My body continues to show signs of health and growth, and at the same time, I carry the memory of previous injuries.  When Paul wrote these words, he was talking about living as a witness to the sacrifice that Jesus had made, and the promise that awaits those who believe in the power of God.  I feel like this image also carries forward as a testimony to how God can redeem our earthly bodies and offer us new life in the here and now. I can’t help wondering if others who have survived great suffering, physical and/or emotional, also feel this juxtaposition of emotions, as we literally carry our varied experiences with us on our journey towards big dreams and new life.  When I was overwhelmed with pain and suffering, I longed for a time when all of the pain would be gone. Now that I merely carry the memories, the pain seems to add depth and beauty to the joy of new life.

A friend of mine suggested that this image of holding life and death at once exists many places in nature.  Trees, roses, bodies of water, and the list goes on and on.  So, I went looking for a little rose plant to paint in my contemplation.  At the flower market, before I could find any roses, I walked past this Jasmine plant.  The incredible, fragrant smell was overwhelming from this one plant.  Even more remarkable was the fact that it was filled with dead blossoms and stems as well as buds and beautifully flowering branches.  I knew that this is what I needed to paint, so I bought it.

I took it home and tried to take a great picture in the back yard.  I’ll say it.  Part of it was ugly.  Part of it was beautiful.  I had a hard time capturing it and getting what I thought would make a good painting.  Eventually I decided on a few pictures and printed them to paint.

My drawing turned out nicely, but I was having a hard time making a good contrast of colors.  There was just so much green, so much white, and too little purple.  So, I added more purple to the background, and that sort of helped, but it still looked so boring. Then I took it to my watercolor club and one of the members suggested that the plant was just floating.  It needed some context.  If I give it a defined table and shadows, the painting will have more structure. “Don’t rush it!” He reminded me, “It will take many layers, but it will be worth it."

So I started with a darker blue that I made from a bold blue and orange.  I added a layer of shadows and waited.  I added them again and waited a bit more.  I started to see a few trees in the background, so I made a nice brown by taking that shadow color and adding other colors in my palette.  I placed the trees and the blossoms and the background started to take shape.  I added the path in our back yard and some grass.  I added more shadows. The brown I had used for the trees made a nice addition for the dead breaches and blossoms and the soil underneath the plant.

How had I left out these parts before?  Only painting the “life” or bright colors, made the painting seem lifeless. Adding the shadows started to bring the little bush to life.  It sort of jumps off of the page now.  The death and life, the light and the dark, all coming together for a beautiful, almost fragrant, image.  So many times in my life, I dreamed of a day when there would be no more sorrow or pain and yet, especially during pregnancy, I feel like I’m discovering the beauty found in the depth of our experience: the risks taken, the lessons learned, the paths conquered, the valleys explored, the peaks sought after. Perhaps, the beauty comes in the redeeming moments when our tired hands find a new function, when our worn-in bodies serve a new purpose, when we release the expectations we have for ourselves—what we know is possible—and we accept the new gift of life that God is offering us—greater than we could ever imagine.

May you take a few moments today to sit in awe and wonder at the beauty of life you have lived and are now currently living. As you carry the breadth of your experience in your body, may you find joy in God’s continual desire to add new life. Even if our imagination can’t handle it, perhaps we can try to hold this life and death in our bodies.  In the end, may we find that the Holy Spirit holds all these things for us with a fragrant peace that surpasses all understanding. Alleluia, Amen.

Finding Balance through Resilience

One of the "fun" perks of pregnancy is that you are always growing in one direction: forward.  I keep running into things, because my stomach is growing more than I realize or because I’m a bit off balance. I’ve never had the best sense of balance…I’m not the best bike rider…but I am very good at resilience--falling down and getting back up again.  Ironically(divinely/thankfully), I returned to my yoga practice a few weeks before we got pregnant, and I have kept it up since then with a few necessary modifications. I do a lot more “table-tops” and “child’s pose” and I avoid “forward folds” and “downward dogs”.  At first I avoided the balance poses, because I was afraid I might fall.  Then one of my teachers said, “Those will be the most important for you now. Your weight is shifting every day, so the more balance poses you do, the more you can adjust to the changes happening in your body.” 

I had never thought of deep squats or “Sunflowers”(my yoga instructor really calls them that!) as balance exercises, but as I get bigger, it almost makes me giggle when I feel like falling forward.  Like the Sunflower balancing her head of seeds, my belly is growing with size and weight! Every time I show up for yoga, I get to rediscover what’s happening to my body, and it helps me find balance later in the day. Even simple arm and leg extensions, like “bird dogs”, seem confusing to my body some mornings. Once I wrap my brain around what my body can and can’t do, I am able to make safe choices and feel more agile throughout the day.

The balance exercises do more to strengthen my muscles than to secure me to the ground.  I find that it’s more about having the muscle tone for resilience than the “rock-solid” sense of balance. This has been a major turning point for me with yoga, but also when it comes to life. I had always thought that balance came from this unwavering sense of solidness, and yet, in reality, my balance comes from my strength and practice of resilience.

Last week I preached about Philippians 4, and I keep getting drawn back into these encouraging words from Paul.  “Rejoice in all things…I have discovered the secret to finding contentment in plenty and in want…I can do all things through Christ, the one who gives me strength.”  Growing up, I was always trying to reach this pinnacle of spirituality with unwavering faith.  I worked hard to lean on God and prayed fervently for this secret to finding a balance of the heart once I became “strong enough” through Christ.  The trouble was that every time I started to feel a bit stronger, life would rip the rug right out from underneath me again.  I refuse to see my hand injury or the loss of our first baby as “trails from God to make us stronger.”  The God I worship brings life out of death, not the other way around.  

Nevertheless, when I look back on these challenges, contentment didn’t rise out of a sense of unwavering faith. My faith wavered so much I felt more like one of those flailing air inflatables outside a car dealership. Like those people of fabric, I kept falling on my face, but the breath of God helped me find the strength to get back up again.  Little did I know that during these embarrassing moments when I lost my balance of faith, I was gaining the strength to believe again.  This strength of resilience pushes me to find beauty and hope through each circumstance. This is what I think Paul was getting at when he encouraged his friends to “rejoice in all things.”  When we show up to rejoice, to search for beauty, to commit to hope, to offer thanks, we build the muscles to keep returning to faith.  Even on the days when we can’t see the beauty or our voice is frozen and can’t rejoice, when we at least show up and give it a try, we can acknowledge the big things that are happening in our lives and making this search for balance so hard.  When we ignore these changes, we might find it easier to say, “Rejoice,” but we will fail at finding contentment and true joy.  Acknowledging these changes allows us to breathe deeper, bend further, and find a balance strengthened by the muscles we built by getting up after we fall.

May you also find the strength to continue on your journey of hope by exercising your muscles for resilience. And may the balance you find connect you with the peace of God which surpasses all understanding and guards our hearts and minds as we reach out for the next big thing!

Read more of Philippians 4 by clicking here.

PS. My favorite app for all kinds of yoga and especially prenatal yoga is Yoga Studio. Here's a link for GooglePlay and iPhone.  And honestly...you don't have to be pregnant to do prenatal yoga...anyone looking to "give birth" to a new season of their life will find that it can open up your hips and open up your heart;)

My Little Secret

I’ve been keeping a secret, holding it in my heart, waiting with excitement to tell everyone I see. Robbie and I are expecting a baby in January 2019! For those of you who have been following our story, you know this is a tender time, full of joy and fear and wonder and anxiety and ginger chews and ptsd flashbacks and brand new experiences. The longer version of this story started back in January when Robbie and I embarked on a cycle of In Vitro Fertilization.  I used that time to build

trust.  I spent many hours in meditation, learning to trust my body again. I spent many hours painting, reading, and walking in contemplative prayer, learning to trust God again.  I spent several hours on the road to Kansas City, in waiting rooms and taking shots, reminding myself that all of this human effort still left room for God’s activity, that IVF is an “art” form and relies on the magic of creation, which normally works one way, but if everything was working “normally” we wouldn’t be doing this. I ended the cycle with my body being in better shape and feel healthier than I have in years. 

Unfortunately, that space for God to move was proven in a painful way—an unsuccessful cycle. On Good Friday afternoonwe got the call which revealed I was not pregnant, and Robbie and I carried on with our worship commitments, singing songs and praying with the same fervor and feelings of denial and frustration and betrayal that drove Peter to abandon the Jesus who would give up and die on a cross. “Our lives were supposed to be different. We have been serving you with our whole hearts. What have we done wrong? What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Will we ever receive the promises of God?”

I call it the worst April Fool’s Joke Ever. I literally preached on Easter morning, which fell on April Fools Day, saying, “Are you ready to be surprised by God today? No one knew what would happen that First Easter morning.  Every follower of Jesus was dumbfounded and devastated. They thought they knew what Jesus was up to, and then all of a sudden, he was gone! They thought all was lost, and then Jesus rose from the grave.  The resurrection was a HUGE surprise! God wants to surprise you again this Easter! God wants to surprise you with Joy, Love and Hope. Are you ready?” Was I ready? I wanted to be with my whole heart. Surprise us God, I prayed.

We spent that week feeling pretty lost, but we decided we would try another cycle in May, which meant a whole month of sabbath rest for us. No shots, no driving, plenty of exercise, plenty of couple’s time together, and plenty of caffeine for Kati. We would love God and love the life we had together, whatever that looked like.

By the end of the month, I had a feeling. After several fool proof tests, it was undeniable. We were pregnant. Robbie and I were speechless.  I literally laughed loud. I felt a bit like Sarah listening to the angels tell Abraham that she would bear a child. I couldn’t stop laughing. Considering about a month before a doctor had suggested we use donor eggs if we wanted to insure a successful pregnancy, considering all the extra scientific effort which had stimulated my natural hormones, considering our determination to be open to whatever God had in store for us, and God gives us a spontaneous chance with what we really wanted most of all.

So, here we are, 12 weeks down and at least 25 weeks to go. We considered on waiting to announce until the kid was graduating from High School, because we know and understand the fragile nature of life, but we wanted to share this story of immense joy as soon as we could so that we can savor and enjoy every stinkin’ minute of it.  So rejoice with us, because today is the day that the Lord has made.

Alleluia, Amen.

The Little Voice

Last week on Facebook, I posted this picture of my physical transformation over the last 6 months which really just shows the strength I have gained physically and mentally.  A few people asked how I did it, and a lot of that comes from my faith.  I wouldn’t say it is in the faith that God would provide me the strength, but rather that God made me strong enough in the very beginning, and I’m still learning to tap into that power.

I am, and always have been, a self motivator. As long as I can remember, I’ve always had at least one little voice saying, “Go Kate, you can do it, I know you can.”  Sometimes the voice gets a little mean. I make a mistake or whine or drag my feet, and she says, “What’s the matter with you! What were you thinking! You have to be more and do more if you want to show them what you’re worth!”  It’s great to know your worth and what you are capable of doing, but my greatest fear is probably that I am not worthy of the work in front of me, or that I am not enough.  Because I am human, this fear will always have friends in the world and the little voice loves to mock me with their words or expectations. My worst emotional and physical experiences have been when the little voice had echoes of real people in my life or actual situations which only serve to prove the point: I am not enough.

Theologically, I can “Jesus juke” the little voice by saying, “Jesus is enough.”  But sometimes the little voice is so loud, that I’m speechless. I start to believe it.

When Jesus looks at us, he sees our failings. He doesn’t ignore them, because they are a part of us. They have formed us for better or for worse. But he has also formed us, and he knows what moves us, he knows what motivates us. He knows the deepest desires of our heart. He can use this to shape us and mold us into the best version of ourselves. When I change, I echo Gods work. God’s work is not making me enough for the world, God is enough for us all. God’s work resonates and travels when I open up my life to be an echo of grace.  I don’t have to be the copy or exactly enough for the world, I am called to be a mirror, a reflection, an echo of the one who has more than enough love to go around.

How do I ask the little voice to echo God’s voice? I think I just did. “Go and do likewise,” she says. “Go as far and as hard as you can. Jesus will make up the rest. He always has, and he always will." Even when it looks like he doesn’t come through on the route you want, he has been working with a bigger picture, and even though my puzzle piece is not enough, he will come to meet me and help me make that perfect and holy match. That is the promise of the gospel, not that God will make me enough, but that when I open up to reveal that gap, God’s beautiful love shines through and in the cavern of my inadequacy there is an echo of the little voice of God, “You are loved. You are precious, and you are spectacularly made for this.” 

I may not be perfect, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And so are you.

Amen.

Forgiving God

Beloved, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for one’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

 James 1:19–20

I’ve been pretty cranky lately. Scientifically the Keto diet mimics the state of fasting where your body turns to burning fat instead of carbs. Who would want to always have that 24 hr fasting high all the time? A crazy person. Or maybe a sane person who had no pre-existent conflict, grief or pressure in their life.

Life is hard. Trying to change your eating habits while life is hard sucks. It sucks.

So, I eat one of Robbie’s 2 carb chocolates or my 5 carb nut mix or steak or ribs and try to re-create “comfort food”. Here’s the catch: Food has never brought lasting comfort, and true satisfaction in food, only opens the door for gratitude, it doesn’t get you there. 

My challenge is that my anger stage of grief is finally stepping up to the plate. 

I am not doubting God's power. I am angry at the use of that power. How am I supposed to trust what I can’t see, when God has already let me fall so hard? And (to borrow a phrase from "Rising Strong") this is "the story I’m making up": God was watching my baby suffer and let him die. God said, His life isn’t worth saving. Then I had to bear the physical and emotional ramifications of that decition. This is the story I’m making up, but it feels like real truth and I can’t get past it. 

So, today I decided to write a new chapter. I know scientifically and theologically that withholding forgiveness only hurts the offended. But who do you forgive when really no one is to blame? Way back to days after Bob’s death, I remember praying, saying I don’t know where to aim my anger because I don’t know who or what to blame. “Blame me,” Jesus said. “I can take it. I did take it. I suffered the punishment for this and every other horrible act on that cross. Let go of your anger and unleash it at me.” 

I have been incredibly “slow to anger”, until we started this new diet and suddenly all of the physical and mental challenges improved in my life to the point that only one struggle remained: why is God withholding a child from two people who would love and teach and nurture with such passion and mercy, with God’s image as their goal!?!

I am losing weight. I look great. So many awesome things are happening in our life, and yet the sadness and the anger remained.

So, this morning I decided to do the scientific and Christian thing, I am going to forgive God. God doesn’t need it, but I do.

This is how I can move to the next chapter, by first writing a chapter of forgiveness. Jesus, you said you want the blame, now I will do what is required of me: I will show you mercy and forgive you as you have forgiven me. 

Now I can face the day with joy. Alleluia, Amen.

Magic Beans

Ok, so they aren’t really beans, but they do seem kind of magical.  My husband, Robbie, and I started a low carb diet a month ago, and I’m feeling so fantastic that I don’t even care that I haven’t had Dr. Pepper, bread or wheat pizza in four weeks.

Chocolate, I eat in small quantities. Sweet Potato fries taste as amazing as french fries. Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste more like Regular Dr. Pepper every day.  We are savoring my pizza dough made from ground up chicken and cheese and covered with ground up sausage and more cheese and crushed tomatoes.

Carb filled food still looks yummy, but then I reach into my pocket and take out my magic beans, and I am reminded how delicious our new diet turns out to be.

Who else gets to enjoy steak, bacon, eggs, cheese, sausage and heavy whipping cream on a diet!?!

We’ve been taking lessons from Adkins, Keto and other diets, and I’m aiming for around 60 carbs a day, consistently loosing weight and feeling awesome. The first couple of weeks made me very sleepy, but it turns out that this is very typical.

To fight the midmorning and afternoon cravings, I created some nut mixes that turn out to be around 5 carbs, giving me a burst of energy while stopping me from eating whatever is in our break room.

I LOVE my little baggies of magic beans so much that I wanted to share them with you!

Pistachios and Black Walnuts look expensive when you see the bag in the store, but when 1tbsp is a serving, the bag goes much further than the health bars I used to buy. And these snack bags are much more satisfying! 

No matter your diet or eating habits, these recipes will be a treat for the whole family!

Pistalmonds 

12 low sodium almonds (1 heaping tablespoon)

12 dark chocolate almonds (1 heaping tablespoon)

1tbs pistachio kernels 

Walnutty 

1 tbsp Black Walnuts

1 heaping tbsp Coconut Almonds

1 heaping tbsp Chocolate Almonds

My Ninja Story

I am a big Ninja fan. Whether it’s historic Ninja folklore, Dark Knight Ninjas, American Ninja Warrior or Lego Ninjago, I love Ninjas.  I love the depth of their skill which requires strength in a variety of areas.  I love their sleek stealthy ways, somehow humble and peaceful and strong and frightening they seem, all at the same time.  Most of all, I love their resilience, flexibility and persistence. 

Some of the kids in our church (and adults) watch American Ninja Warrior religiously.  One of the parents dropped the comment, “Maybe we should have a Presby Ninja Warrior competition,” and I said, “Hold on, why don’t we? We can do this. Are you joking, because I need to know, before I get too excited about this.”  They all felt like it was a great idea, and believe it or not, we came through.  Our maintenance director, who is an awesome carpenter, helped me make the floating steps with our nursery workers, and he made a warped wall ramp.  I soon discovered that part of the training is in the building of your practice course.  Wood pallets are heavy.  Tires are heavy.  And Wood pallets covered in 3/4” plywood, attached to a couple of 2X4’s are extremely heavy.  When I built the course, I didn’t imagine myself doing it.  I would make it challenging for the kids and adults, but I didn’t expect to touch the top of our ramp, and I really didn’t expect to master the floating steps.

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that we had a traumatic miscarriage, and I developed severe preeclampsia last January.  I expected to recover in a month or two, then I thought it would take me a few months, and then I gave myself till 6 months.  Now that it’s been seven months, I can tell you, some days have been good, some days bad, some days really bad, and still some days I don’t know what to do, and then I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I am learning to be kind to myself, and the waves of my grief are not quite as overwhelming as they once were.

When we finished constructing the Presby Ninja course, I asked one of my fit friends to try it.  She had never seen the show, so I had to show her how to do the floating steps…and I hopped from pallet to pallet…and I didn’t touch the floor.  I was shocked at my strength, and I felt incredibly empowered by the way my body was able to gracefully maneuver the obstacle.  After she ran the course, I had her video me doing the course. What a rush! I was able to do the obstacles with pride and confidence.  This little 5’1.5" Presby Ninja even reached to the top of our ramp at eight feet!

The next day our event was a huge success.  The kids were also empowered at their ability to handle this challenging course set before them.  Even the parents stepped up to the challenge. Two of them reached up to 12 feet on the ramp!

Over these last seven months, my healing has seemed to come along very slowly.  In fact, I feel like I’ve been struggling forever and sometimes I wonder if my full strength will ever return. 

From my ninja training, I am learning that each fall makes us stronger, not in the way that keeps us from falling. No, if you are living adventurously or, to use Theodore Roosevelt's phrase(renewed in popularity by Dr. Brené Brown), if you are “daring greatly”, falling, scraped knees, broken arms, concussions and loss will come.  Failure is inevitable at some point in experimentation. The strength we gain from these experiences is manifested in our ability to continue to put one foot in front of the other and “stay the course.” A friend recommended Dr. Brown’s book, Rising Strong, and while I’m reading it, I feel like underlining every word, because she is telling my story, and she is using the most amazing language and terms to make sense of it. Yesterday, I read this complete gem:  

Experience doesn’t create even a single spark of light in the darkness of the middle space.  It only instills in you a little bit of faith in your ability to navigate the dark. The middle is messy, but it’s also where the magic happens.  Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Like ninjas we are called to keep “daring greatly” and taking great leaps in the dark. We do not rely on our perfection or our impeccable invulnerability, we rely, instead, on our ability to bend, to take a deep breath, and to rise with the strength to walk towards the mountain in front of us.

Blessings to you, my fellow ninja, in your current struggle or obstacle course.  May you remember to breathe and keep walking as you seek to navigate the dark.  The light still exists and will shine with greater brilliance when you reach your goal.  The Holy Spirit which breathed life into your bones continues to blow over you, within you, behind you and before you, to guide you on your way home.

(Still) Learning to love my body

Myth: If I loose weight and workout hard enough, I will feel good and love my body.

Truth: Women and men of all shapes and sizes struggle with body image.

Myth: If I loose weight, my clothes will finally fit!

Truth: Mass produced clothing is based on measurements which make the design look great at some sizes and mis-shaped for others.

Myths are based on truth, they tell about a lesson to be learned, but they can be harmful when considered all around fact.  I know that when I exercise and loose weight, my mood rises. I know that a lot of my clothing was purchased at different parts of my story, so not everything fits my body all of the time. Remembering these truths can motivate and drive my actions and choices, but sometimes I let these practices disrupt my relationship with my body.  I start to look at my body as the culprit for all of my problems.

One hand: My body has (insert issue/disease)

Inner Critic: it's my fault or my body is faulty.

Other hand: My body did not cause my health problems.

One hand: Daily habits contribute to bad health.

Inner Critic: it's my fault my body is faulty.

Other hand: My work ethic didn't cause all of the challenges my body is facing. People of all body types and health practices get cancer, have miscarriages, develop heart problems, have depression, (insert your struggle here).

So, Who is to blame? Society? Mass media? Men? Women? God? Me?

Blame won't get me to a smaller dress size.

Blame won't make my legs more agile.

Blame won't solve my health issues.

Truth: Learning to appreciate my body, will improve my mood and motivate me to care for my body.

So, can I choose to love my body like I hope God and my family love me? Could I choose to have a relationship with my body which is based on faithfulness and loyalty and not condition?

Myth: we don't choose who we love, love is not rational.

Truth: We choose to be in relationship with people apart from momentary feelings of love. Love is relational.

What would it look like to love my body because it belongs to me? What would it look like to cherish my own flesh and blood like a sister or child or parent?  What would it look like to revel, delight and indulge in "living" in this body?

I think this is one of the reasons I felt drawn to the movie "Muana", the story of a young clumsy girl who helps two mythical mighty warriors and a whole nation of people rediscover their true selves. This Myth reminds us of the truth that people of all abilities and sizes can help one another return to being "at home" in their bodies.

Maybe I can begin to learn by loving funny shaped delicious fruits and vegetables.

Maybe I can begin to learn by loving how my amazing ankles always catch me when I fall--I have a talent for falling, ask anyone who knows me.

Maybe I can begin to learn by choosing to trust my body has amazing abilities to warn me and heal.

Maybe I can begin to learn by choosing to love and be in relationship to my body, forgiving all blame and fault, learning to be faithful instead of perfect.

Yes. I think that's it. There's the truth of it all. Let's learn to be faithful to these treasures given to us by our maker.

Alleluia, Amen.