Our Yellow Rose of Texas!

Soon Robbie and I will begin the next great adventure of our lives as Texans! Later this month I will become the new pastor for St Luke Presbyterian Church, a lively, creative and warmly inclusive congregation of the PCUSA in Amarillo, TX. Robbie and I feel that our time in Manhattan, Kansas has enriched our lives as we have enjoyed the many flavors of this diverse college community and the lovely and talented congregation at First Presbyterian. God called us to Manhattan three years ago, and now God is calling us to a new land, with new experiences and new encounters ahead of us. I will have to add a few new colors to my wardrobe, but we will carry our purple with pride!


This a different kind of move for us, because Robbie and I will both be going into foreign territories. When Robbie came to Nebraska, I knew the culture and already felt at home there. When we moved to Manhattan, it felt a bit like moving home for him. He taught me everything there was to know about K-State Athletics and guided me to Radina’s and Aggieville. Our St Luke friends are doing a a fantastic job showing us some of the culture and best places in Amarillo, and Robbie and I are both discovering Texas side by side. We will be learning some new fight songs and testing out new coffee shops, and all the while building new traditions and routines! 

So, first, the Wild, Wild West of Texas, and then in a few months the Wild, Wild World of Parenting! 

Got a place in the Amarillo area to recommend we discover together? Leave us a tip in the comments!

The Jasmine Plant

"But we have this treasure in clay pots so that the awesome power belongs to God and doesn’t come from us.  We are experiencing all kinds of trouble, but we aren’t crushed. We are confused, but we aren’t depressed. We are harassed, but we aren’t abandoned. We are knocked down, but we aren’t knocked out.  

We always carry Jesus’ death around in our bodies so that Jesus’ life can also be seen in our bodies.  We who are alive are always being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake so that Jesus’ life can also be seen in our bodies that are dying.  So death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

 2 Corinthians 4:7–12  Common English Bible.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about these verses as they apply to my pregnancy and growth.  I have this treasure growing inside my fragile and organic body, and so much is happening by the beautiful design of our creator, and out of my hands. Some power is in my hands.  The power to respond positively to stress and confusion with rest and curiosity.  The power to say no when I have done too much, and the opportunity to say yes as an answer to my intuition.

The part that gets me is the verse that says, “We always carry Jesus’ death around in our bodies, so that Jesus’ life can also be seen in our bodies.” As the life of our new child is starting to be “revealed in my body”, pains of loss continue to meet me at the same time I feel stirrings of joy.  My body continues to show signs of health and growth, and at the same time, I carry the memory of previous injuries.  When Paul wrote these words, he was talking about living as a witness to the sacrifice that Jesus had made, and the promise that awaits those who believe in the power of God.  I feel like this image also carries forward as a testimony to how God can redeem our earthly bodies and offer us new life in the here and now. I can’t help wondering if others who have survived great suffering, physical and/or emotional, also feel this juxtaposition of emotions, as we literally carry our varied experiences with us on our journey towards big dreams and new life.  When I was overwhelmed with pain and suffering, I longed for a time when all of the pain would be gone. Now that I merely carry the memories, the pain seems to add depth and beauty to the joy of new life.

A friend of mine suggested that this image of holding life and death at once exists many places in nature.  Trees, roses, bodies of water, and the list goes on and on.  So, I went looking for a little rose plant to paint in my contemplation.  At the flower market, before I could find any roses, I walked past this Jasmine plant.  The incredible, fragrant smell was overwhelming from this one plant.  Even more remarkable was the fact that it was filled with dead blossoms and stems as well as buds and beautifully flowering branches.  I knew that this is what I needed to paint, so I bought it.

I took it home and tried to take a great picture in the back yard.  I’ll say it.  Part of it was ugly.  Part of it was beautiful.  I had a hard time capturing it and getting what I thought would make a good painting.  Eventually I decided on a few pictures and printed them to paint.

My drawing turned out nicely, but I was having a hard time making a good contrast of colors.  There was just so much green, so much white, and too little purple.  So, I added more purple to the background, and that sort of helped, but it still looked so boring. Then I took it to my watercolor club and one of the members suggested that the plant was just floating.  It needed some context.  If I give it a defined table and shadows, the painting will have more structure. “Don’t rush it!” He reminded me, “It will take many layers, but it will be worth it."

So I started with a darker blue that I made from a bold blue and orange.  I added a layer of shadows and waited.  I added them again and waited a bit more.  I started to see a few trees in the background, so I made a nice brown by taking that shadow color and adding other colors in my palette.  I placed the trees and the blossoms and the background started to take shape.  I added the path in our back yard and some grass.  I added more shadows. The brown I had used for the trees made a nice addition for the dead breaches and blossoms and the soil underneath the plant.

How had I left out these parts before?  Only painting the “life” or bright colors, made the painting seem lifeless. Adding the shadows started to bring the little bush to life.  It sort of jumps off of the page now.  The death and life, the light and the dark, all coming together for a beautiful, almost fragrant, image.  So many times in my life, I dreamed of a day when there would be no more sorrow or pain and yet, especially during pregnancy, I feel like I’m discovering the beauty found in the depth of our experience: the risks taken, the lessons learned, the paths conquered, the valleys explored, the peaks sought after. Perhaps, the beauty comes in the redeeming moments when our tired hands find a new function, when our worn-in bodies serve a new purpose, when we release the expectations we have for ourselves—what we know is possible—and we accept the new gift of life that God is offering us—greater than we could ever imagine.

May you take a few moments today to sit in awe and wonder at the beauty of life you have lived and are now currently living. As you carry the breadth of your experience in your body, may you find joy in God’s continual desire to add new life. Even if our imagination can’t handle it, perhaps we can try to hold this life and death in our bodies.  In the end, may we find that the Holy Spirit holds all these things for us with a fragrant peace that surpasses all understanding. Alleluia, Amen.

Finding Balance through Resilience

One of the "fun" perks of pregnancy is that you are always growing in one direction: forward.  I keep running into things, because my stomach is growing more than I realize or because I’m a bit off balance. I’ve never had the best sense of balance…I’m not the best bike rider…but I am very good at resilience--falling down and getting back up again.  Ironically(divinely/thankfully), I returned to my yoga practice a few weeks before we got pregnant, and I have kept it up since then with a few necessary modifications. I do a lot more “table-tops” and “child’s pose” and I avoid “forward folds” and “downward dogs”.  At first I avoided the balance poses, because I was afraid I might fall.  Then one of my teachers said, “Those will be the most important for you now. Your weight is shifting every day, so the more balance poses you do, the more you can adjust to the changes happening in your body.” 

I had never thought of deep squats or “Sunflowers”(my yoga instructor really calls them that!) as balance exercises, but as I get bigger, it almost makes me giggle when I feel like falling forward.  Like the Sunflower balancing her head of seeds, my belly is growing with size and weight! Every time I show up for yoga, I get to rediscover what’s happening to my body, and it helps me find balance later in the day. Even simple arm and leg extensions, like “bird dogs”, seem confusing to my body some mornings. Once I wrap my brain around what my body can and can’t do, I am able to make safe choices and feel more agile throughout the day.

The balance exercises do more to strengthen my muscles than to secure me to the ground.  I find that it’s more about having the muscle tone for resilience than the “rock-solid” sense of balance. This has been a major turning point for me with yoga, but also when it comes to life. I had always thought that balance came from this unwavering sense of solidness, and yet, in reality, my balance comes from my strength and practice of resilience.

Last week I preached about Philippians 4, and I keep getting drawn back into these encouraging words from Paul.  “Rejoice in all things…I have discovered the secret to finding contentment in plenty and in want…I can do all things through Christ, the one who gives me strength.”  Growing up, I was always trying to reach this pinnacle of spirituality with unwavering faith.  I worked hard to lean on God and prayed fervently for this secret to finding a balance of the heart once I became “strong enough” through Christ.  The trouble was that every time I started to feel a bit stronger, life would rip the rug right out from underneath me again.  I refuse to see my hand injury or the loss of our first baby as “trails from God to make us stronger.”  The God I worship brings life out of death, not the other way around.  

Nevertheless, when I look back on these challenges, contentment didn’t rise out of a sense of unwavering faith. My faith wavered so much I felt more like one of those flailing air inflatables outside a car dealership. Like those people of fabric, I kept falling on my face, but the breath of God helped me find the strength to get back up again.  Little did I know that during these embarrassing moments when I lost my balance of faith, I was gaining the strength to believe again.  This strength of resilience pushes me to find beauty and hope through each circumstance. This is what I think Paul was getting at when he encouraged his friends to “rejoice in all things.”  When we show up to rejoice, to search for beauty, to commit to hope, to offer thanks, we build the muscles to keep returning to faith.  Even on the days when we can’t see the beauty or our voice is frozen and can’t rejoice, when we at least show up and give it a try, we can acknowledge the big things that are happening in our lives and making this search for balance so hard.  When we ignore these changes, we might find it easier to say, “Rejoice,” but we will fail at finding contentment and true joy.  Acknowledging these changes allows us to breathe deeper, bend further, and find a balance strengthened by the muscles we built by getting up after we fall.

May you also find the strength to continue on your journey of hope by exercising your muscles for resilience. And may the balance you find connect you with the peace of God which surpasses all understanding and guards our hearts and minds as we reach out for the next big thing!

Read more of Philippians 4 by clicking here.

PS. My favorite app for all kinds of yoga and especially prenatal yoga is Yoga Studio. Here's a link for GooglePlay and iPhone.  And honestly...you don't have to be pregnant to do prenatal yoga...anyone looking to "give birth" to a new season of their life will find that it can open up your hips and open up your heart;)

My Little Secret

I’ve been keeping a secret, holding it in my heart, waiting with excitement to tell everyone I see. Robbie and I are expecting a baby in January 2019! For those of you who have been following our story, you know this is a tender time, full of joy and fear and wonder and anxiety and ginger chews and ptsd flashbacks and brand new experiences. The longer version of this story started back in January when Robbie and I embarked on a cycle of In Vitro Fertilization.  I used that time to build

trust.  I spent many hours in meditation, learning to trust my body again. I spent many hours painting, reading, and walking in contemplative prayer, learning to trust God again.  I spent several hours on the road to Kansas City, in waiting rooms and taking shots, reminding myself that all of this human effort still left room for God’s activity, that IVF is an “art” form and relies on the magic of creation, which normally works one way, but if everything was working “normally” we wouldn’t be doing this. I ended the cycle with my body being in better shape and feel healthier than I have in years. 

Unfortunately, that space for God to move was proven in a painful way—an unsuccessful cycle. On Good Friday afternoonwe got the call which revealed I was not pregnant, and Robbie and I carried on with our worship commitments, singing songs and praying with the same fervor and feelings of denial and frustration and betrayal that drove Peter to abandon the Jesus who would give up and die on a cross. “Our lives were supposed to be different. We have been serving you with our whole hearts. What have we done wrong? What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Will we ever receive the promises of God?”

I call it the worst April Fool’s Joke Ever. I literally preached on Easter morning, which fell on April Fools Day, saying, “Are you ready to be surprised by God today? No one knew what would happen that First Easter morning.  Every follower of Jesus was dumbfounded and devastated. They thought they knew what Jesus was up to, and then all of a sudden, he was gone! They thought all was lost, and then Jesus rose from the grave.  The resurrection was a HUGE surprise! God wants to surprise you again this Easter! God wants to surprise you with Joy, Love and Hope. Are you ready?” Was I ready? I wanted to be with my whole heart. Surprise us God, I prayed.

We spent that week feeling pretty lost, but we decided we would try another cycle in May, which meant a whole month of sabbath rest for us. No shots, no driving, plenty of exercise, plenty of couple’s time together, and plenty of caffeine for Kati. We would love God and love the life we had together, whatever that looked like.

By the end of the month, I had a feeling. After several fool proof tests, it was undeniable. We were pregnant. Robbie and I were speechless.  I literally laughed loud. I felt a bit like Sarah listening to the angels tell Abraham that she would bear a child. I couldn’t stop laughing. Considering about a month before a doctor had suggested we use donor eggs if we wanted to insure a successful pregnancy, considering all the extra scientific effort which had stimulated my natural hormones, considering our determination to be open to whatever God had in store for us, and God gives us a spontaneous chance with what we really wanted most of all.

So, here we are, 12 weeks down and at least 25 weeks to go. We considered on waiting to announce until the kid was graduating from High School, because we know and understand the fragile nature of life, but we wanted to share this story of immense joy as soon as we could so that we can savor and enjoy every stinkin’ minute of it.  So rejoice with us, because today is the day that the Lord has made.

Alleluia, Amen.

Embodied Prayer on the Gospel of John

Today at The Light, we closed our study of the Gospel of John, and I wrote this prayer for our time of confession.  This style of prayer was inspired by a prayer we used during Advent from A Sanctified Art worship resources.  If you haven't used their resources before, here's a link!

We used the empty table on the right to consider who is sitting at Jesus' table as Beloved Disciples.  I'll invite you to consider that as well.  Who does Jesus love?  Who would he invite to sit next to you? Who is the last person you could imagine sitting at this table ... Jesus has invited them.  They might not except the invitation.  Jesus will not make you sit next to them if it is unsafe for you. Our Christian belief says that Jesus died and rose from the dead for all who do not deserve an invitation.  How might this change the way you look at the people who are different from you? The people with whom you have conflict?  The people you meet randomly each day?  How might we remember that we are beloved by Jesus, and called to share that love with the world?

I invite you to pray this prayer with us today:

As we remember and celebrate the stories of witness that we have read throughout the gospel of John, we lift up our prayers of confession today, praying with our bodies, minds and spirits.

If you have ever been like the Blind Man sitting on the side of the road, If you’ve ever accepted disappointment and lost all hope, close your eyes.

If you have ever been like the Woman at the well, ashamed of your mistakes and thirsty with desire, place a hand over your mouth.

If you’ve ever been like Mary and Martha, and sat weeping when Jesus did not answer your prayer, place a hand over your heart.

If you’ve ever been like Peter, angry with Jesus for not doing things your way, raise your fists and say, "why Lord?”

This is what it feels like to live in a world destroyed by sin and actions of hate. 

But remember how the story changed for Peter, Jesus completely turned his expectations upside down. Lower you hands and open them praying, “Use me, Lord.” 

Remember how Jesus came and wept with Mary and Martha and offered all around them the gift of new life. Place your hands in your heart and pray, "Restore my heart."

Remember how Jesus asked the Woman for a drink at the well, and offered her the gift of new life even knowing every bad thing she had ever done? Make your hands into a bowl and pray, “Jesus give me a fresh start.”

Finally, remember how Jesus gave sight to the blind man, wipe the mud from your eyes, and open them, praying, Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Bowling

On Sunday, Robbie and I went bowling at the MAC! Yes, we both sat down at a wheel and made bowls.  Would you believe it? We have been doing a lot of strength training, but I had no idea it took so much strength to make a bowl on a wheel.  We threw down the ball of clay and started molding it. Well, that’s what I thought we were doing, but then I found out we weren’t shaping it yet, we were just centering it, and grounding it to the wheel.  “Aha…,” I thought. "There is something to this."  The bowl cannot be properly shaped, unless it is centered.  Centering is hard work. The clay wanted to go on it’s own way. At first I tried to force it, but that didn’t work. I tried adding water, and added too much. Once I had to even get a new ball.  Eventually, the teacher helped me, and I got my arms appropriately propped on my legs to keep it steady, and guided the clay to the center.  From there I could begin to open it and shape it, and create it for a purpose.  

I do a lot of centering prayers, but until recently, I have worked quite hard at centering myself and steadying my breathing.  One of my guided meditations pointed out that breathing is one of the most natural things our bodies do on their own.  We can literally breathe in our sleep, if we are healthy and living.  So, when I begin my centering prayer, I now simply become aware of my breath.  I know what you’re thinking… "Isn’t that how every yoga teacher begins their class?”  Yes, I know, I’ve heard it said a million times, and yet, there is something special in noticing and choosing to do something, once you realize what that something actually looks and feels like.

As I was reflecting on God’s role as the potter, I realized that maybe God could do the work of centering me too.  I pray that God would open my heart, I pray for God to shape me, but I usually take the responsibility of finding my center.  So, here goes.

Lord, I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made by you. Guide me once more to find my center.  Hold me close to your heart. Let your will and your ways keep me at peace, that I might be willing to be opened once more, shaped once more, filled once more and used once more.  You are the potter, and I am your clay.  I was never created to be perfect, but I was created to be flexible, beautiful, hopeful, and loved. Amen.

My ball became a tea/coffee/watercolor bowl.  Nourishment it will provide, once it is fired and ready…

Wishing you had a handmade bowl or cup of your own? Click here to find more information on the Empty Bowls Event, hosted by the Manhattan Nonviolence Initiative and others, coming up April 7th.

The Little Voice

Last week on Facebook, I posted this picture of my physical transformation over the last 6 months which really just shows the strength I have gained physically and mentally.  A few people asked how I did it, and a lot of that comes from my faith.  I wouldn’t say it is in the faith that God would provide me the strength, but rather that God made me strong enough in the very beginning, and I’m still learning to tap into that power.

I am, and always have been, a self motivator. As long as I can remember, I’ve always had at least one little voice saying, “Go Kate, you can do it, I know you can.”  Sometimes the voice gets a little mean. I make a mistake or whine or drag my feet, and she says, “What’s the matter with you! What were you thinking! You have to be more and do more if you want to show them what you’re worth!”  It’s great to know your worth and what you are capable of doing, but my greatest fear is probably that I am not worthy of the work in front of me, or that I am not enough.  Because I am human, this fear will always have friends in the world and the little voice loves to mock me with their words or expectations. My worst emotional and physical experiences have been when the little voice had echoes of real people in my life or actual situations which only serve to prove the point: I am not enough.

Theologically, I can “Jesus juke” the little voice by saying, “Jesus is enough.”  But sometimes the little voice is so loud, that I’m speechless. I start to believe it.

When Jesus looks at us, he sees our failings. He doesn’t ignore them, because they are a part of us. They have formed us for better or for worse. But he has also formed us, and he knows what moves us, he knows what motivates us. He knows the deepest desires of our heart. He can use this to shape us and mold us into the best version of ourselves. When I change, I echo Gods work. God’s work is not making me enough for the world, God is enough for us all. God’s work resonates and travels when I open up my life to be an echo of grace.  I don’t have to be the copy or exactly enough for the world, I am called to be a mirror, a reflection, an echo of the one who has more than enough love to go around.

How do I ask the little voice to echo God’s voice? I think I just did. “Go and do likewise,” she says. “Go as far and as hard as you can. Jesus will make up the rest. He always has, and he always will." Even when it looks like he doesn’t come through on the route you want, he has been working with a bigger picture, and even though my puzzle piece is not enough, he will come to meet me and help me make that perfect and holy match. That is the promise of the gospel, not that God will make me enough, but that when I open up to reveal that gap, God’s beautiful love shines through and in the cavern of my inadequacy there is an echo of the little voice of God, “You are loved. You are precious, and you are spectacularly made for this.” 

I may not be perfect, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And so are you.

Amen.